1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pick: Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
No-brainer here. The first pick can’t possibly not be Mariota.
2: Tennessee Titans
Pick: Leonard Williams, DE, USC
A lot of people project Winston landing here, but the Titans are confident in Mettenberger and so am I. Williams is an explosive defensive lineman for a team that already has a few offensive pieces.
3: Jacksonville Jaguars
Pick: Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska
He would be the perfect all-star lineman to anchor an already fierce front seven. The offense needs no help and appears to be up on its feet. After adding Gregory, this team could get real scary, real fast.
4: Oakland Raiders
Pick: Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama
Okay, this team has FIRE. I mean it. They’re winners. The Heisman runner-up would be one more explosive target to go with Latavius Murray and Mychal Rivera. He is crazy fast, has hands like steel traps, and Derek Carr would love throwing to him. Could the Raiders make the playoffs?
5: Washington Redskins
Pick: Shane Ray, DE, Missouri
You’re probably getting sick of defensive ends. But who do you expect the Redskins to draft? A quarterback? (Wait a second, don’t answer that).
6: New York Jets
Pick: Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
After five good picks, we arrive at the bust. (Every draft has one. Get used to it). This pick is a real paradox for the Jets. They can take a mega chance and pick Winston. Or, they can fail to address their biggest handicap by very, very far. In other words, take a chance on Geno Smith. The odds are stacked against them, either way. Winston is smarter than past QB busts, however, giving him a better chance of not busting.
7: Chicago Bears
Pick: Dante Fowler, LB, Florida
The Bears need a linebacker or pass rusher, and Fowler is both. Who knows, he might just make this defense good.
8: Atlanta Falcons
Pick: Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas
Very underrated pass rusher. That’s how it goes when you’re on a losing team. (No offense, Longhorns). Maybe I just rate him high because he’s from my favorite college, but the Falcons desperately need a pass rusher.
9: New York Giants
Pick: Vic Beasley, LB, Clemson
Couldn’t the Giants be any worse on defense? I mean, I’m sure they could if they tried. They need basically everything, and linebacker is a good place to start.
10: St. Louis Rams
Pick: Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA
Why are you looking at me funny? I mean, seriously. What else do the Rams need? If they had a good (sit down, Shaun Hill) quarterback who could stay healthy (you too, Sam Bradford), they could win the Super Bowl. And who cares if UCLA had a down year? Brett Hundley was the only good player on the team this year.
11: Minnesota Vikings
Pick: DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville
This pick is perfect. Parker was Teddy Bridgewater’s favorite target in college. His only receivers now are Greg Jennings and Cordarrelle Patterson. Needless to say, they can’t win with an offense like that.
12: Cleveland Browns
Pick: Kevin White, WR, West Virginia
This pick marks a lot of firsts. The first time the Browns pick a non-quarterback, the first time they pick a non-bust, and the first time anybody picks anybody from West Virginia. Their receiver situation is okay, but White is just too good to pass up and a total steal at number 12.
13: New Orleans Saints
Pick: Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa
Best player available. The Aints must start protecting Brees.
14: Miami Dolphins
Pick: Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State
Well, the Dolphins need work on their Duct-taped secondary. The Ravens and their Scotch-taped secondary must be so mad at the Dolphins now. But I like making them mad.
15: San Francisco 49ers
Pick: Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami
Without Mike Iupati, their offensive line will look like the 48ers. And it was the only good thing about their team last year. So they draft Flowers and become the 53ers.
16: Houston Texans
Pick: Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford
Okay, this is pretty obvious. It’s kind of weird Peat fell this far. And they’ll need more offensive linemen in case anyone gets hurt trying to save Ryan Mallett from GigaWatt and Clowney in training camp. (I must admit, Garrett Grayson is rather tempting here…)
17: San Diego Chargers
Pick: Danny Shelton, DE, Washington
Two words: HUGE STEAL.
18: Kansas City Chiefs
Pick: Devin Smith, WR, Ohio State
This was KC’s problem last year: During his suspension, Dwayne Bowe had an innovative surgery transplant for his two broken hands. The hospital was out of hands so they replaced his hands with feet. Many sportscasters claim that Bowelegs was attempting to catch a ball with what were, in fact, hands. But I saw what I saw.
19: Cleveland Browns (via Buffalo)
Pick: Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon
Two more words: HUGER STEAL.
(Side note: Poor Buffs. They would have loved to take Grayson here.)
20: Philadelphia Eagles
Pick: Byron Jones, CB, UConn
Jones just blew away the broad jump record. This pick also explains the Ozzie-Newsome’s-head-shaped crack in the Ravens war room.
21: Cincinnati Bengals
Pick: Eddie Goldman, DT, Miami
Best player available. Pretty much all I have to say about this pick.
22: Pittsburgh Steelers
Pick: Landon Collins, S, Alabama
This offseason, the Steelers have one question to answer: Is Troy Polamalu worth the money? I doubt it. Collins would fit well into the Steelers defensive scheme, although the fan base might not like this.
23: Detroit Lions
Pick: Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin
This will definitely be a pick that everybody talks about. Ndamukong Suh will probably be resigned. Nick Fairley may have to go. Reggie Bush has been cut. So who do they call to rescue their ground game? The injury-plagued Heisman runner-up from Wisconsin. Imagine him as part of a high-octane Lions offense. This is pretty exciting for Detroit.
24: Arizona Cardinals
Pick: Jordan Phillips, DT, Oklahoma
It’s the old best-player-available thing again. But it would be cool to see Grayson go here. Palmer will either retire or be cut. But I like Logan Thomas so far. Let’s stick with defense for now.
25: Carolina Panthers
Pick: La’el Collins, OT, LSU
Wow. Here is the second biggest steal of the draft. A lot of people have Collins going in the top ten. I don’t see that happening, but this is a steal.
26: Baltimore Ravens
Pick: Marcus Peters, CB, Washington
At last, the Wizard of Ozzie picks a defensive back. This is a steal, but I hope it is a bust. I so want that Scotch-taped secondary to fall apart.
27: Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia
It comes down to Dez Bryant or DeMarco Murray this offseason. For now, I’m going with Bryant. Todd is a great running back that may soon fill Murray’s shoes. My only concern is that in Breast Cancer Month, when those shoes are pink, he might complain that they’re too Gurley.
28: Denver Broncos
Pick: Cedric Ogbuehi, OT, Texas A&M
Biggest steal of the whole draft, right here. He would’ve been the first or second pick if he hadn’t torn his ACL. It is actually good for him that he did that, because now he gets to play with the annual-contender Denver Broncos instead of the pathetic Tennessee Titans. The Broncos are going to revamp their offensive line, and it will look like this: Ryan Clady, Louis Vasquez, Matt Paradis, Ben Garland, Ogbuehi. AWESOME!!!
29: Indianapolis Colts
Pick: T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pittsburgh
Hey, why not? He has potential and is the BPA (best player available).
30: Green Bay Packers
Pick: Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State
Somebody has to fill Randall Cobb’s shoes. Who better than Strong?
31: Seattle Seahawks
Pick: Denzel Perryman, LB, Miami
They should probably move him to a position of need. He is athletic enough to perform at a different spot.
32: New England Patriots
Pick: Bernardrick McKinney, LB, Mississippi State
One word: BPA.